I Speak My Mind

I speak my mind. There have been instances, too many in fact, that this habit has been frowned upon. I have been told “why do you ask so many questions?”, “why can’t you just accept the instructions?”, “why must you raise those concerns?”. And every time I am told these questions, I ask myself, “why can’t I?”.

I cannot help it. I was raised by strong women. I grew up in a family where the opinion of the women are equally considered in decision making. My grandparents and parents, especially my maternal grandmother and mother, encouraged curiosity. As a kid, they never shot down my questions. They were always patient in answering them. They would engage me in random debates even in the most mundane topics such as why do majorettes wear long sleeves when practicing under the sun. Growing up, my parents never imposed their choices on me. They asked what I preferred, allowed me to make my own decisions, and be responsible for them.

I cannot help it. I was educated in institutions that encourage critical thinking. An education heavy in Science, coupled with Pisay and UP’s environments and culture, trained me to never accept things at face value. We were taught to be curious, how to be curious, why we should be curious and what to do out of those curiosities. More importantly, we were ingrained with the expectation that we should do something good and relevant out of what we know and learned.

“Living” Memories

I grew up in an ancestral house. In the Philippines, it means growing up with your grandparents in a house with rooms originally owned by your aunts and uncles. The room would automatically be the one that will be used by their families when they visit for long holidays like the Holy Week, All Souls Day and Christmas.  For me and my siblings, our set-up meant growing up with no room to call our own and having minimal personal space. My brothers and I slept in the same room with our grandmother. The “room assignments” changed when I started living in a dormitory when I was 11 and my father had to have his own room as he was immunocompromised.

I semi-moved away from our hometown during my high school years. Pisay Bicol was 2 hours away so I and my fellow students all had to live in the school’s dormitory. I was excited at the prospect of possibly having my own bed and sharing a room with a few roommates. But since Pisay Bicol was still in its wee years back then, it did not have “real” living facilities. A big hall was converted into a dormitory and there were probably more than 40 of us who shared the hall. We were provided with double decks and mattresses but everything else from cabinets to pails were ours. Somehow, I managed living through all of those for four (4) years…sleeping with lights on since many people are using the hall, listening to variations of sounds and snores, and waking up at 4 am to take a cold bath to avoid competing for the shower at 6 AM.

And so, I wonder…

I find peace in airports.
In watching people come and go
In wondering what are their reasons for coming and leaving
In waiting to be teleported to another place.

I find peace in plane rides.
In watching sunrises or sunsets from up the sky
In appreciating how the world can be so small and big
And of how traffic lights look like twinkling stars.

I find peace in long train trides.
In being amazed how fast scenes change outside the window.
Of how some rides can be so fast, while some so slow.
Of how stations differ, of how many people come and go.

I find peace in long bus trips
In shutting off my brain and thinking about nothing
In cuddling in the comfort of my blanket.
In listening to soothing music to kill time.

And so I wonder…when can I find peace again?

Dear Person in the Government Who Have Served for a While

I loved JR Santiago’s “Dear Young Person in Government” post in Facebook that I was inspired to write this version of “Dear Person in the Government who have Served for a While”. “A While” is relative…It could mean 10, 15 or even 20+ years in service. But I’m drawing from my own experience from year of service (10 years, 7 months, 5 days to be exact). Here it goes:

Dear Person in the Government Who have Served for a While,

Congratulations! You have made it this far. You’re still in a sector that has a very direct role in improving the lives of our countrymen. Here are some things I’d like to share with you which I hope you can keep in mind as you continue with your public service:

1. Be a mentor and be open to new learning. There are young ones who have the right heart and mind for service. They just need mentors who will be willing to guide them and show them by example the right values. They may also have fresh perspective which you do not have. I hope you will be willing to still learn.

2. Be humble and listen. Higher positions, better educations and awards should not be used as an excuse to power trip or frighten young ones. Rather, these achievements should be used as means of illustrating how your work can impact others and make a change. Also, young ones are colleagues whose inputs deserved to be considered for whatever output your team is supposed to deliver.

3. Be kind. Just be kind and the world will become less suffocating.

4. Be patient. Young ones do not have the same understanding of the processes and system as you do. They may not be efficient as you are. They will have a learning curve. Be patient and teach them. See coaching and training as a long-term investment.

5. Learn from young ones. They know a lot about technology that can make jobs easier. They can make your presentation visually more appealing. They can make data analysis more efficient. They can make your life simpler in so many ways.

Privileges

It’s 4 am. I got thirsty. I stood up to get a glass of water. I then went to the bathroom. The water in the pail was about to spill. The faucet was not closed properly.

I stare at the clear water. I thought…how lucky am I that despite the pandemic and the lockdown for 2.5 months now, access to clean water was never an issue.

But how about the rest of Manila? How about the rest of the world? How about those who were already deprived in life even before all this chaos occurred?

More thoughts crossed my mind. In 20 or 30 years, how much would the world have changed? Can the underground fresh water be replenished at a rate faster that humans use it? Will kids in the future still get to enjoy the beautiful world I saw? And if, but hopefully not, a pandemic happened again, would we be more prepared? Would I still see clear water trickle from the faucet?

Those of us who are privileged, what selfish beings we are.

What is Business as Usual?

What does “business as usual” mean? Does that mean we should not be wasting time? Does not that mean we should be less demanding?

Depending on a person’s line of work, a day or two means life and death. For others it could mean a few days to breath and take some reprieve.

How can we tell people it should be “business as usual”? People are getting sick and dying left and right. Some are at the tip of their sanity thinking how to fend off for themselves, for their families, how to have access to hospitals, medicine, etc.

Sleeping on New Year’s Eve

It’s funny I am talking about New Year when it’s almost mid-February already. The other day while humming to a tune, I went back to a conservation I had with a friend during New year’s eve. She asked me what I will be doing while waiting for 2020 to come. I told her I will just sleep, like what I always do. She then told me that by sleeping on a New Year’s Eve, I am missing a lot. But apart from the changing year, what is there really to miss?

I have always slept on New Year’s Eve for as long as I can remember. I am not really the type who waits for the midnight to come, review how my year went by and come up with resolutions. During the long Christmas-New Year vacation, I literally shut down as it is the only time I get legit rest from all the craziness in Manila and from work.

That Day in Spring

I patiently waited for the next bus that will take us back to Busan, South Korea. It was a cold night back in April. I was in Jinhae Bus Station, happy and contented after experiencing my first cherry blossom festival.

Surreal.

We were not the first persons in line so I thought my friend, Ate B, and I might not be seated together. True enough, when the bus arrived, the window seats got filled quickly. We ended seating across each other in aisle seats. I glanced at my seatmate and noted he was probably a European based on the language he was speaking while on a phone call. A few seconds after his call, he was sniffing and he took out a roll of tissue. I thought to myself he probably has colds due the weather.

Midweek

Yesterday, after a very toxic day at work, I ran somewhere. I met up with a friend and we had a bowl of ramen for dinner. Because I was pretty much not myself anymore, I managed to spill a lot of sesame seeds in my ramen. Imagine what my tonkotsu ramen tasted like! It wasn’t very bad but it was definitely crunchy. Afterwards, we each bought a scoop of ice cream and walked around the streets talking about random things.

I told my friend, “This is possible, huh? Take a break in the middle  of the week and let some steam out?”. She nodded and replied with a smile.

Fight or Flight

When people ask me these days what I fear the most, my answer would always be “to belatedly realize that I have already become part of the system I abhor”. In the Filipino language, it’s better known as “nilamon na ng sistema”.

It’s not only me who have this fear. After meeting with high school and college friends lately, I realized most of us have this fear or worry. Our common denominator is we are all in our late 20s or early 30s, struggling to climb our respective career ladders and general “in between” either in our respective communities and workplaces.

At Home

I sleep and sleep some more.

Because it’s not everyday I can sleep soundly. 

I eat and eat some more. 
Because it’s not everyday I can enjoy the food I love. 

I stare at the skies and stare some more. 

Because it’s not everyday I can appreciate a clear sky full of stars.

I laze and laze some more. 

Because it’s not everyday I am not chasing time. 

I play and play some more. 

Because it’s not everyday I get to be a kid.

At home…

I live and live some more. 

#TGIF

I got out of the van and looked at my wristwatch. It was 8 pm already. I had a very long week and today was no different. I also barely slept the previous night.

I can see the mall from where I stand. I crossed the street and debated on whether I should still eat dinner and buy some groceries. I was too tired to do both. I decided to just go home.

It was still quite a long walk…12 mins I think.  On my way home, I thought about the things that need to be done for work. There are a lot. I cannot even fathom where to start and I cannot imagine if there is an endpoint.

Where is Home?

My brother  arrived in our apartment a few days ago exclaiming he is going home over the weekend. I asked him why he is going home again when he just visited a month ago. He replied, “Because I am suffering from homesickness lately.”

I often forget that my brother has only lived in Manila for 3 years. To date, he has lived most of his life in Bicol. On the other hand, I am more of stranger and occasional visitor in our family house, being away since I was 11. That’s almost 17 years.

I tried to recall what it feels to be homesick. Missing your pillow and beds at home? I don’t have those. I don’t even have a room and a cabinet in our house. The local neighborhood? I barely even know who lives in our street now.

Earlier, I had the same thoughts again while looking at the Christmas lights that decorate the trees on the way to my apartment. I said to myself, “It’s almost Christmas again. I can finally have a long vacation at home.”

Home will always be an interesting concept for people who have lived in so many places. What defines it? The physical structure, the people, the memories? As for me, home… is a place where my mom and siblings are, where I can enjoy my favorite dishes, and exist for a while without caring what the world demands from me.

I guess I am homesick after all and I am not even making any sense.

Human

Every now and then

You stumble, you fall 

To a point where you can’t stand up. 

You cry, you bleed

To take the pain out. 

You fear, you doubt

Because you can’t hope enough. 

Yet you smile, you laugh

Because that’s when you are at your best. 

You love, you give

Because you’re human,

You’re unpredictable. 

You’re beautiful. 

You live. 

Parallel Existence

You and me, we move in the same space.

The left is yours. 

The right is mine. 

An exact replica of each other. 

You, 9 to 6. I, 9 to 6. 

You look up to  sky to count the hours until sunset. 

I look down to count the hours  until sunrise.

You, wondering how it is to be different. 

I, trying to define what is normal. 

You and me, we move in the same space. 

But never at the same time.