Square One

 A new year is always a reset for almost everybody—people, organizations, countries—because the calendar literally turns a new leaf. Personally, some of us strive to wrap up issues, start anew or perhaps finally pursue that something that we have been putting off.  I find it hard to do these things the past two years the pandemic has been ongoing. It’s like I could not paint where I want to head to with all the uncertainties happening around. Until when will the situation be like this? How long is this tunnel? At what point will we see the light?

Or… perhaps I am just using the pandemic as an excuse. For the longest time since I turned 30, I feel I have been in quarter life crisis. I moved places career wise, but since I have been in the same organization for almost a decade, there is always that question of whether I am still growing despite liking what I do. On the other hand, I know I want to go back to grad school but I cannot make up my mind as to what I will take or to actually start the process of application.

During the pandemic, because I cannot travel or go home, I further drowned my life crisis and anxieties with work. Day in, day out, we are swamped with work and our added tasks on COVID-19 and vaccines. I am not even sure if I am actually burned out since I tend to have a functional anxiety. But I have not been doing anything productive for myself for the longest time apart from work itself.

Last November 2021, I finally had the guts to call a time off and go home. Before I went home, I already did a review of some grad courses I am interested in and assess which ones I would want to apply for. I looked forward to slower days in our hometown and finally catch up with family. But somehow, life has others plan. My mom got into an accident and the last 1.5 months have been about hospitals, rehabilitation, restructuring my finances, making decisions for the family and further putting aside anything personal that I set to do.

I ended 2021 totally mentally and emotionally drained. I woke up to 2022 telling myself, “How do I start again?”

I am now back in Manila. Working again.  COVID-19 is raging again. I have not had time to fully reflect as I am still recuperating the energy and enthusiasm I lost. I am still asking the same question. Until when will the situation be like this? How long is this tunnel? At what point will we see light? But I know the flame has not yet left me and I hope writing this post is an affirmation of that.  Here’s to being hopeful of finding pieces we lost, getting back up or finally determining the new direction we need to take.

An ultra belated Happy New Year, everyone.

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